ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
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Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Realize this:
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”