me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
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A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”