me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

You Might Also Like


Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?


me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin


Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea


My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that


[DAY 6]
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.


Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]



Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no


There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.


so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk


Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.