@_rubdirtonit

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

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@Bookbunny6

Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

@WorkingMom86

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

@TheAndrewNadeau

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

@aspiringtoucan

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

@C_J_Commode

There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.

@jonnysun

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

@Brianhopecomedy

Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.