Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Me *smirks*: What?
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
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me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Went into Dollar Store. Asked for a dollar. Cashier did not give me one. Suing company for false advertising.