@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

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@Go2Slp

Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.

– The Lyin’ King

@TheToddWilliams

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

@MomofTeen

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

@Parentpains

Twitter, because my work isn’t just going to ignore itself.

@xosm

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

@BlairLoudly

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

@Griffinreborn

In 2009 we lost Michael Jackson. Now we lost Neil Armstrong. We are running out of moon walkers