ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
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Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.
– The Lyin’ King
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Twitter, because my work isn’t just going to ignore itself.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
In 2009 we lost Michael Jackson. Now we lost Neil Armstrong. We are running out of moon walkers