ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
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Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!