Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Me: I wish all prime numbers were sex numbers
Me: how many wishes do I have left?
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How much for that babysitter?
Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape
I’ll take it!
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.