Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
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feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
two people or more is called a problem
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Canadian owl: Eh?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.