Me: I wish all prime numbers were sex numbers

Genie: done

Me: how many wishes do I have left?

Genie: 2

Me: nice

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Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?



How much for that babysitter?

Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape

I’ll take it!


My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.


Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad


It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now


Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!


i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”


[during sex]

If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.