@refreshingslurp

Me: I wish all prime numbers were sex numbers

Genie: done

Me: how many wishes do I have left?

Genie: 2

Me: nice

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@TheAndrewNadeau

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

@Birdhumms

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

@robwalton30

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

@SamDeLanche

7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?

Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

@thepaulahunt

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

@bornmiserable

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point