The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
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[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Why I divorced her.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful