‘LSD makes users lose weight’
That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.
me: i wish baguette was pronounced like spaghetti
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You guys stole those words from the dictionary.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.
It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.
Paint thinner? Bullshit.
Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
4: And blue
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?
Big Bruiser: copy
Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?
Killdozer: all ears
Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?
Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing