@tweetsbyrocket

me: i wish baguette was pronounced like spaghetti

genie: no

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@EviGarth

‘LSD makes users lose weight’

That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.

@JesseWeller

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

@vexroid

I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.

It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.

@AngelaEhh

Paint thinner? Bullshit.

Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.

@dumbbeezie

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

@sonictyrant

Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?

Big Bruiser: copy

Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?

Killdozer: all ears

Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?

Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names

@SortaBad

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

@THE_shitface

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing