@tweetsbyrocket
@curlycomedy
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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@curlycomedy
@ParentEsq
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
@GreenishDuck
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
@KentWGraham
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
@Reverend_Scott
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
@PetrickSara
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
@GoldenSpirals
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
@Gupton68
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
@UnfilteredMama
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.