@tweetsbyrocket
@EviGarth
‘LSD makes users lose weight’
That makes sense, it’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there’s a dragon guarding it.
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@EviGarth
@The_Separatist_
You guys stole those words from the dictionary.
@JesseWeller
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
@vexroid
I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.
It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.
@AngelaEhh
Paint thinner? Bullshit.
Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.
@dumbbeezie
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
@WhaJoTalkinBout
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
@sonictyrant
Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?
Big Bruiser: copy
Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?
Killdozer: all ears
Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?
Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names
@SortaBad
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
@THE_shitface
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing