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Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.