F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
me: i wish baguette was pronounced like spaghetti
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Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.