@tweetsbyrocket

me: i wish baguette was pronounced like spaghetti

genie: no

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@curlycomedy

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

@ParentEsq

Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.

@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

@KentWGraham

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

@Reverend_Scott

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

@PetrickSara

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

@GoldenSpirals

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

@Gupton68

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

@UnfilteredMama

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.