me: i wish baguette was pronounced like spaghetti

genie: no

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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”


Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.


My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.


Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.


I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.


If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.


Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.


Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*


The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.


My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.