If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
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just got my engagement photos
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?