Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

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*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.


Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.


*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*


Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.


A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally


[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*


which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose


I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.


Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?