me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
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2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.