ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
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I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo