Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
me: [873 years old] motherfu
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*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Techno is like running on treadmill I think it’s been an hour but it was only 3 minutes
Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.
This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM
I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.