Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
me: [873 years old] motherfu
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My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches
Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.