me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

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[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*


At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread


Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.


Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.


Techno is like running on treadmill I think it’s been an hour but it was only 3 minutes


Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.


This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM


I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.