@50FirstTates

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

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@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

@AndyAsAdjective

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

@Marlebean

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

@panmidwest

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

@Kyle_Lippert

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

@shutupmikeginn

Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches
Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall

@VodkaTiem

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.