me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

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No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.


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“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn


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You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?


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*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.