me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.