@50FirstTates

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

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@junejuly12

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

@BMCarbaugh

At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread

@ScottLinnen

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

@squirrel74wkgn

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

@Borgore

Techno is like running on treadmill I think it’s been an hour but it was only 3 minutes

@Xoolun

Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.

@celestinelea90

This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM

@freefanaddict

I like to stream documentaries about serial killers in public to avoid any idle chit chat.