New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
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To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets.
Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million.
Kids, don’t stay in school.
I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.
I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller