ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.


To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.


Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.


I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.


[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories


Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious


I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets.

Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million.

Kids, don’t stay in school.


I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.


I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller