@MarlonBrandNO

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

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@13spencer

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

@NoogsCorner

To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

@hunz74

Owls are like scary Mr. Potato Heads that fly.

@TheSharona06

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

@c12h22o11balls

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

@J0hnnyBlaze

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

@nerdreign

I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets.

Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million.

Kids, don’t stay in school.

@thenatewolf

I got stung by an applebee and now I’m going into bananaphylactic shock.

@stephenszczerba

I never thought I’d walk into a bank with a mask on and hand over my own money to the teller