Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Happy Febuary everyone!
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*