Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
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If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
“Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight.”-You, counting your lucky stars.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“Then what makes The West superior?