ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese