@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

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@buhsbaby_baby

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

@Terdoh

If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…

@WilliamRodgers

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

@funflaps

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

@Urfavdog

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

@KPsych29

“Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight.”-You, counting your lucky stars.

@rockymomax

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

@velvettusk

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

@Ygrene

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

@ChrChristensen

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”