Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.