Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
“No way.” -Jose
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.