ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
You Might Also Like
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Message from the dog groomers
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol