Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
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Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?