20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Father’s Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Riley can be a little girl’s name, it’s not always a dog’s name. If someone says Riley’s been sick don’t bring up euthanasia right away.