Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.