Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
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Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
groan^2