WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
You Might Also Like
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.