me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
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Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet