me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
The news
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo