@lincnotfound the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
@noog Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
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@lincnotfound 
@_elvishpresley_ zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
@ThaJawn (prostate exam)
Dr: WOW! I’ve never seen this before
Me: OMG! WHAT
*loud click
Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE
Dr:.. And send
Me: WTF?
@VisionBored1 Son: Can I have some?
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.
@JohnMayer Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
@AllanForsyth I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
@lisaOoOo I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
@McAttack88 Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
@taps0420 I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
@MetteAngerhofer Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.