Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t