@noog

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

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@lincnotfound

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

@_elvishpresley_

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

@ThaJawn

(prostate exam)

Dr: WOW! I’ve never seen this before

Me: OMG! WHAT

*loud click

Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE

Dr:.. And send

Me: WTF?

@VisionBored1

Son: Can I have some?

Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.

@JohnMayer

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

@AllanForsyth

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

@lisaOoOo

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

@McAttack88

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

@taps0420

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

@MetteAngerhofer

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.