Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.