me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?