I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together
Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?
Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4