Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper


Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?


I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever


If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.


absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys


Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet


Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together


Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4