@EndhooS

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

You Might Also Like

@onion_an

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

@thesqueezysloth

Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?

@Quartzjixler

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

@jellybnbonanza

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

@GroovyTasia

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

@s8n

Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together

@pakalupapito

Friend: what time do you usually go to bed?

Me: 10:30ish sometimes 4