Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
They’re not wrong
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”