Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
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Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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