Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
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From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT