ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
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[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?
Boss: You mist the boat.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Tough love is true love
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.