@truegritrumble

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

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@Contwixt

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

@mommajessiec

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

@NourHadidi

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

@AmericanGent69

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

@AndyJokedAgain

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

@AtCouchyB

Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?

Boss: You mist the boat.

@jonnysun

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

@iGreenGod

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

@michaeldyllan

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.