Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.