ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
This kid will have a bright future.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare