Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
You Might Also Like
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Krampus.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
iPhone X
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.