Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
#oldknees
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
boat question
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled