Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

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People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.


“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.


Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.


If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.


Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.


Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat


Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.


Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush


Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him


I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.