@AndrewNadeau0

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

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@kimtopher22

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

@_Tempo11

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

@trevso_electric

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

@LittleMissAngr1

Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.

@wittwitbarista

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

@LostFelicia

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

@stayathomies

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

@Sammart123

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.