me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.