ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.