Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
BANKER: okay, just checking
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32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.
Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My date cancelled; said he had an emergency. I just saw him at the
market buying cereal and I thought,
‘I agree with his priorities.’
BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?
“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman