@fro_vo

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

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@somecleverthing

Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”

@leslid79

32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

@davidkenny100

Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?

@dougbies

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

@beefman138

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

@MartaEffing

My date cancelled; said he had an emergency. I just saw him at the
market buying cereal and I thought,
‘I agree with his priorities.’

@P_o_n_k

BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?

@NicestHippo

“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman