My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
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Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
He said I was average – but he was just being mean.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial