@mommajessiec

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!

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@NikiWithIssues

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

@DeanB15

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

@dlockw21

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

@1BigMick

Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.

@lacybronze1

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial