Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’