Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
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Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom