Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
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This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Something Saturday.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.