@suecorvette

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

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@Lisa_Laughs_

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

@TheToddWilliams

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

@CodyJP9412

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

@BadMikeyBad

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

@maisonshouting

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

@TheCatWhisprer

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

@pleatedjeans

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

@lasergirl70

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”