me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..



JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha


HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting


HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going


LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.


If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.


KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed


Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.


Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship


[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER


Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”