me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
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I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
was Jim off killing horses or…
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.