Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Noted.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold