Kiwis are just lemons that forgot to shave.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
rudolph: sing the song keith
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll sleep tonight as well. There’s also a pretty good chance I’ll take a nap soon.
I CAN’T FIND MY BOOK AND I LEFT IT ON THE NIGHSTAND AND A GHOST MOVED IT AND MY HOUSE IS HAUN – oh never mind there it is
Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Thinking about kids?
My son poured syrup in every floor vent. 11 years later it still smells like waffles every time the heat comes on.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!
Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!