@KeetPotato

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

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@BackrowSeats

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll sleep tonight as well. There’s also a pretty good chance I’ll take a nap soon.

@RSun82

I CAN’T FIND MY BOOK AND I LEFT IT ON THE NIGHSTAND AND A GHOST MOVED IT AND MY HOUSE IS HAUN – oh never mind there it is

@delusionaliam

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!

@karanbirtinna

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

@just1fool

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@_b1p0larbear

Thinking about kids?
My son poured syrup in every floor vent. 11 years later it still smells like waffles every time the heat comes on.

@McGrumpenstein

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!