@chuuew

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

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@SnizzleFrizzle

So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.

@therepoguy

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

@2tickytacky

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

@SoulYodeler

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

@AndyAsAdjective

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

@PastorBate

Dear diary,

Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person

My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear

@WilliamAder

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

@FeelingEuphoric

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

@ObscureGent

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.