So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person
My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.