Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.