Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill
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Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
Jenga cop: God damn it!
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb