Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.