@pilau

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

You Might Also Like

@baddestmamajama

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

@Ciara_Knight

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

@GianDoh

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

@SCbchbum

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

@0point5twins

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

@imteddybless

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

@karentozzi

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
4-10.) Ghosts

@squirrel74wkgn

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

@RorynotRoy

“Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you’ve had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling.” – me as a doctor