Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
“Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you’ve had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling.” – me as a doctor