Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
What about second breakfast?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo